Slings and Arrows
by A Writer of Fiction
Summary: The Sonic cast, through sundry sources, find themselves producing William Shakespeare's 'Hamlet, the Prince of Denmark.' This is not the story of their performance, but of the trials of stage acting they deal with on the journey to opening night. Review!
1. Act 1: The Beginning

**Disclaimer: I do not own Sonic the Hedgehog or the works of William Shakespeare, and I'm fairly certain no one else has ever written that sentence.**

**Writer: I'm about to do something a little silly guys, so bear with me…**

**Shadow: Oh, this ought to be good…**

**Silver: Do I get to be featured this time?**

**Writer: Of course! You guys are gonna be putting on Hamlet, I need all the cast members I can get!!!**

**Sonic: So, Hamlet then? *grins* I guess I could put on a convincing king of England.**

**Shadow: Hamlet is the prince of Denmark, Sonic.**

**Sonic: Whatevs.**

**Writer: Oi, you two! Quit stallin' let's get started.**

**~XIX~**

Act I: The Beginning

Scene I:

We begin our adventure into untouched Sonic fanfiction territory in one of Adabat's many volcanic islands. The volcano in question is oddly metallic, with assorted robots lining its exterior and interior. It is the new home of Dr. Eggman, as he plots world domination… and, it seems, other things. Before him is a stream of paper. The doctor's pen flies wildly over the paper. Ink shoots majestically throughout the room, leaving magnificent sparks. Each period he marks is punctuated by a grand flourish on the ovular man's part. A choir of robots sings passionately in Latin, that most epic-yet-dead language, behind him. Somewhere, Light Yagami of Death Note fame weeps, for he could never dream of writing as epically as egg-tastic egomaniac Eggman.

With one last stroke of his pen, Eggman laughed maniacally, as sound that, if turned into a word, might be expressed as: "DAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" It is so magnificent a laugh, that the first 'Ha' must begin with a 'D.'

Elsewhere in the base, Lupus, Eggman's trusted right hand wolf, groans, "Oh no, not again." He downed another dose of aspirin, the doctor's writing had given him a migraine that would have knocked out a bull elephant. Or an elephant bull, whatever that is. I think it'd be cool, myself. Anyway, back on topic.

After calming his headache, the wolf rushed to Robotnik's chambers, bowing on one knee, "What is it, sir?"

The doctor chuckled, practically fondling the papers in his hands, "Lupus… do you know what this is?"

Lupus grinned, "Might it be the blueprints to your latest world-decimating weapon?"

Eggman blinked, "No…" there was an awkward pause, "It's a shortened version of William Shakespeare's 'Hamlet.'"

Lupus collapsed to the ground, anime style. Rising, he asked, "Um… Ivo… why-"

The obese megalomaniac turned away, growing misty-eyed behind his goggles, "Lupus… did I ever tell you of my dream?"

"… world domination."

The doctor turned with a furious flourish, "Before that! I… I wanted to be a director. I studied the arts long and hard… and long ago, in high school, I took a job as assistant director. The play? Hamlet. The problem?" Eggman nearly collapsed onto his base's controls with the memories, "Well… let's not get into that…"

"Still getting over the idea of you in high school, Ivo."

Robotnik grabbed Lupus's shirt collar, "Don't you see, my boy? With this play, I could finally break into my old path. World domination can wait, I must direct!!! I must!!!!" With that, the doctor donned a beret, and ran toward the eggmobile, "Farewell for now, Lupus! Auditions are Tuesday, I hope you'll be there!!!!"

Thus, Lupus stood there, alone. He reflected on what the doctor had said… a singled tear rolled down the wolf's cheek, "Ivo… I never…" he held a fist toward the sky in determination, "I shall see your dream a reality, my lord!!!"

~XIX~

Scene II:

The blue blur, Sonic the Hedgehog, raced down the desert plains. As he approached a giant pillar of rock, he leapt from boulder to boulder in the blink of an eye, before finding himself on solid ground again. In the background, one could faintly hear the song 'We Can.'

Above, an equally blue mecha-biplane, piloted by Tails, with Knuckles tagging along for some arbitrary reason, was flying after the hedgehog. The two looked down, seeing the aforementioned hedgehog, and Tails shouted, "Hey look, it's Sonic!"

They swooped down so as to approach Sonic, who looked to them, but only saw Tails, for the same arbitrary reason that Knuckles was there. "Yo Tails! Long time no see!"

Tails held out a flyer to his idol, "Sonic! Check this out!" Sonic flipped up to grab the flyer, proceeding to run backwards alongside the plane, a feet which I wish I could prove was physically impossible, but I can't. Sonic ran there like that for a few moments, until he finally looked up at Tails.

"It's not saying anything, Tails!" he spoke with something akin to urgency

"… it's paper, Sonic, why would it?"

Sonic leapt into the cockpit, and began to shake Tails back and forth, "WE CAN'T DO A CHEAP RIPOFF OF THE SONIC HEROES OPENING IF IT DOESN'T TALK, TAILS!!!"

Tails, rather dizzy after that, said, "Well, we could have Knuckles do Eggman's voice…"

Knuckles looked up from his arbitrary reason to be there, "What? Why me? You do it!"

Tails sighed, "Fine…" he cleared his throat, then spoke in his best imitation of Robotnik, "Muahahahaha!!! Guess what random passerby reading this flyer? I've finally developed the ultimate version of William Shakespeare's 'Hamlet!' On Tuesday, I'll hold auditions!!! Think you can get in? Ahahahaha!!!"

Knuckles whistled, "That was pretty good, Tails."

"Thanks, I've been practicing…"

Sonic spoke, "Heh, sounds like an invitation to party!"

Knuckles shook his head, "No, it's a general invitation to audition for one of Shakespeare's finest works."

"Oh…" Sonic gave it some thought, "You sure it's not an invitation to party?"

"Yep."

Sonic gave this some thought, "Well… it _is_ Eggman. He must have some diabolical scheme based around this book…"

Tails sighed, "Hamlet's a play, Sonic."

"Oh yeah! The one with the star-crossed lover-"

Knuckles smacked his forhead, "No, that's 'Romeo and Juliet…"

The blue hedgehog waved off the notion, "Whatevs. Egghead's gotta have some diabolical scheme based on this play, right?"

Nodding, Tails said, "That's what I thought. Knuckles came along because…" he looked to Knuckles, "why was it?"

Said echidna nonchalantly rubbed the space under his nose, "An arbitrary reason."

"Yeah… and-"

"Hey guys!"

The voice came from above. A purple porcupine, carrying a somewhat gothic Arctic fox in his arms, grinned down at them. He ran on a jet of ice, generated by the aforementioned fox. "Yo, Sonic! Long time no see!"

"Xero! Check this out!!!" Sonic began to toss the flyer to the porcupine, but the arctic fox shook her head.

"Already got the memo, Sonic. Let's not go through the Sonic Heroes opening again."

The blue hedgehog smirked, "Fine then, Sasha…" he began to speed up, as did the others around him, "Somebody explain the play to me while we go…"

~XIX~

Scene III

Rouge was sneaking about the GUN base, looking for the jewels hidd-

Hey, wait, what're you-

**~XIX~**

**Writer: Ow!!! Hey, guys, what gives!?!**

**Sonic: *smacks Writer upside the head* Wouldja stop ripping off Sonic Heroes already? **

**Shadow: *also smacks Writer* It's really getting old!!!**

**Silver: *you get it. Writer's being abused by the cast* So cut it out already!**

**Jet: *runs Writer over* I have extreme gear!!! *speeds off***

**Writer: Fine… fine… let's just go back… you guys are jerks.**

**~XIX~**

So! Rouge wasn't really sneaking about the GUN base, I lied. What was really happening was… uh…

Shadow was collapsing onto his couch after a long day's work for GUN. At last, he was rid of his boss, rid of his hellish paperwork, and best of all, rid of that fanboy of a partner, Agent Lupus. At last he could get some rest…

His doorbell rang.

"DAMN IT!!!" the ultimate life form's shout could be heard from the next apartment over. He stormed over to the door, nearly tearing it of its hinges, and with all the fury of the… um… furies, he shouted, "WHAT."

Shadow saw a terrified Amy Rose, whose eyes began to well up with tears, "I was… um… just…" She ran off in terror. Shadow couldn't help but feel guilty and slam his head into the wall, in that order.

Finally, he saw fit to stop slamming his head into the wall (his neighbor was shouting at him to find a quieter means of self mutilation), he heard an all too familiar voice, "Hey, Shad! Fancy seeing you here!"

Lupus.

"I. Live. Here. Lupus." Shadow seethed.

The wolf smiled obliviously, "Hey, we're off duty. Call me Arc."

Fine. Not Lupus. Arc.

"What do you want, Lupus?"

"Arc."

"I'll call you Arc when you stop calling me Shad."

"Fair enough, Shad…" 'Arc' adjusted his glasses, which was oddly quite a mysterious action, "But you shouldn't use my codename on our new mission…"

Shadow was not amused, "Stop being cryptic and tell me the damn mission."

"Well, someone forgot their morning coffee," Arc/Lupus grinned some more, "You know that play that Dr. Robotnik's putting on?"

The black and red hedgehog rolled his eyes, "Of course. Who doesn't know 'Hamlet?'"

"Well, we've been assigned to go undercover, and audition for it. Y'know, to keep an eye on the good doctor."

Shadow sighed, "I'll get my stuff."

"One more thing, Shad…" the wolf adjusted his glasses again, reaching the same effect, "we've been assigned another partner…"

"Hey, boys!" A certain bat suddenly jumped from the ceiling, landing on Shadow, "Hey, Shad. It's been a while, hasn't it?"

He sighed, "Get off of me…"

"Well, good to know you're still such a social butterfly..." she rose, and turned to Lupus, "And you must be Lupus."

The wolf was blushing deeply, "Miss Rouge, I've heard a lot of stories about you…" he suddenly fell onto one knee, grasping the bat's hand, "But none of them mentioned that your beauty surpasses that of the Greek goddess Aphrodite!"

She sweatdropped, "That's… um… lovely."

Lupus rose (the action, not the flower), a rose (the flower, not the action) between his teeth, "As the bard himself once said, 'Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?'"

Rouge smirked, "He also said never to fall in love with an older woman, kid."

The wolf swooned, "And she's versed in the bard's mythos!" he struck a dramatic pose, "But, my lady, I wouldst even goeth against the word of that greatest of poets if it meant I could be with thee!!!"

The bat walked past the wolf, still in his pose, "It wouldn't."

Shadow followed after her, "I told you he was a petulant fanboy, but no. 'He can't be that bad' you said."

Thus, Lupus was left alone… he smirked, reverting to his earlier, villainous appearance, and laughing a bit to himself, "God, I love my job." With that, he followed after the two.

Which left Amy, who'd watched the scene from a nearby corner, "Eggman's putting on 'Hamlet?'" she gave it some thought, "I guess I'd make a decent Ophelia…" Her mission set, the pink hedgehog headed off after the three agents.

~XIX~

Scene IV:

Two birds, a massive albatross named Storm and a swallow called Wave, waited outside their boss's room. He'd been in the soundproofed fortress for some time… that couldn't be good.

The swallow looked to the albatross, "Your turn."

Hesitantly, Storm entered the room… "Boss? You in here?"

Storm had never known how huge Jet's room was… it made him wonder why he'd only been given an outhouse-size room… then he saw it.

The green hawk, Jet, dressed in 16th century British noble clothing, held a skull in his hand, and seemed to be speaking to it. Storm was horrified.

"Alas, poor Yorrick!" the hawk said, "I knew him, Hor-" he turned, seeing the albatross, "STORM!!!" He threw the skull at the other bird, who was quick to dodge, "What have I told you about interrupting my extreme monologue?"

"S-sorry, boss… it's just…" Storm began.

Jet looked out the window of their… airship, I think… "I need this part, Storm. I can't just be in 'Hamlet…' I have to be Hamlet."

"Wh-why?"

The green bird laughed, "Why? … if I know Sonic…" he looked at Storm, "And I do know Sonic, he'll be there as well. No matter what, I've got to snatch the lead roll from that… that rodent!"

With that, Jet began laughing maniacally… Storm and Wave looked on at they're boss, fearful of his Ahab-esque obsession with Sonic the Hedgehog…"

Stowed away on the ship, a white hedgehog was telekinetically juggling a few barrels, to pass the time. Near him, a pink cat paced back and forth, finally looking at the psychic hedgehog.

"Silver, are you sure this is a good idea?"

Silver just kept juggling, absentmindedly saying, "Blaze, it's just a production of 'Hamlet!' What could possibly go wrong?"

"Remember Mephiles? Remember how horribly things went that time?"

"Yeah, but this time I'm not here to kill Sonic, Blaze…" he stopped the barrels, "I'm just here to act…"

Inside one of the barrels, a very stowed away Espio muttered to an equally stowed away Vector, "Go in the barrels. Nothing'll happen to the barrels, right Vec? No psychic hedgehogs are gonna juggle these barrels, right Vec?"

The crocodile sighed, "Shut up."

~XIX~

Scene V:

Eggman, still donning his beret, sat alone in the theater he'd purchased. By purchased, I of course mean tied up and gagged the true owner in the supply closet. Poor Bill Quiverpeike desperately hoped for an escape that, alas, would not be convenient to the plot.

The doctor breathed in the scent of the theater. "At last…" he grinned, and looked at his watch, which doubled as a calendar, videocamera, and set of goggles. It got pirate radio, and could hook up to the internet. But those features don't matter… except the watch and the calendar. For today… was Tuesday.

Robotnik heard the crowd growing outside, and looked out a window, seeing the throngs of anthropomorphic animals there. He recognized only a few of them, and at least there was no sight of…

Sonic.

He began to panic. Had Sonic come to ruin his play? No, he couldn't. Not after how long the doctor had waited to finally take to the stage again… he'd have to be disposed of… the doctor thought and thought… and finally… when he thought he had nothing, suddenly, it struck him…

"Oh… that's good… that's very good indeed…" the doctor grinned maliciously, quick to revert back to a welcoming grin. He put his hand on the handle of the theater door, and took a deep breath, "Showtime… well, audition time…"

The doors opened, and ecstatic, eager Eggman exclaimed, "Welcome, actors… to the auditions for…" he extended his arms toward the sky, as he had many a time when overzealously describing a machine, "Hamlet, the Prince of Denmark!"

**~XIX~**

**Writer: Whew… that took a while.**

**Xero: Yeah, and it's pretty good… but when're we getting to the actual 'trials of producing stage acting,' y'folla?**

**Writer: Yeah, I folla… next chapter. This one's just here to set the stage. So! You, the reader! How was I? Please tell me, I thrive on your reviews!**


	2. Act 2: The Auditions

**Disclaimer: Yo. Still don't own Sonic the Hedgehog or William the Shakespeare. The former belongs to Sonic Team and the latter to… I dunno, Britain?**

**Writer: Welp, tis that a chappy two I see on the horizon? Mein, gott, it's been weeks!!!**

**Sonic: Forsooth, it seems to be!!!**

**All: …**

**Shadow: Sonic, did you just say…**

**Sonic: Oh, just start the chapter.**

**Writer: On it.**

**~XIX~**

Act II: The Auditions

Scene I:

Sonic and co… well, they were a tad intimidated. All manner of anthropomorphic creatures had arrived to audition for Eggman's production of Hamlet. Hedgehogs, foxes, echidnas (echidnae?), all manner of birds, porcupines, even a fish or two (now gasping for air, realizing the folly of going on land) had all come for the chance of being in Shakespeare's finest work.

Tails gulped, "Wow… that's a lot of people…"

Knuckles nodded, "Yes…"

Xero looked to Sonic, concerned, "You sure you're up for this, Sonic?"

Grinning, the blue hedgehog replied, "Isn't Sasha your love interest, Xero? Worry about her?"

Xero and Sasha descended into blushing denials of being romantically involved… Tails, ignoring them, spoke with his idol, "What I think Xero means, Sonic, is that everyone here probably actually knows the play."

Sonic shrugged, "Don't worry too much about it. I'm sure I can get the hang of it all before Eggman calls for auditions. Now, who's Claudius again?"

"Hamlet's uncle… the main villain," Tails said, exasperated.

The hedgehog nearly collapsed, "Maybe you're right… I don't get any of this at all…"

At that moment, a bird in a trench coat bumped into Sonic, murmured, "Extremely sorry…" and was off.

The group looked quizzically at the bird, Sasha vocalizing the main thought on the situation, "What was that about?"

A few feet away, the bird removed his disguise, revealing himself to be… JET THE HAWK!!!

… This is the part where you're supposed to gasp in surprise.

"Hey, guys, I've got great news!" Jet squawked, "Sonic doesn't even know how Hamlet goes! At this rate, I won't even have any sort of challenge for the leading roll!!!"

The black hedgehog he'd approached raised an eyebrow, "Why are you telling us this?"

Jet looked at who he'd been speaking to, seeing Shadow, Rouge, and a wolf he'd never met before. He sweat dropped, shouted, "EXTREME EXIT!!!" and ran.

Shadow pondered what the hawk had said before fleeing, "So, Sonic's here…"

Lupus/Arc grinned, "So, I must've been right about Eggman having ulterior motives here."

"Not necessarily." Rouge interjected, "Maybe Tails is just into drama or something."

The wolf's smile changed to be more lovey-dovey, "Of course, dearest Rouge seeks the more logical conclusion! Oh, let me kiss thy wizened hands, milady!"

As he knelt to do so, Rouge forced her hand from his grasp, glancing at Shadow, annoyed, "Can't we just keep him in a box until this is over?"

Shadow smiled slightly, "You know, I asked the boss that a few times..."

As soon as we almost got a chance to check in on Silver's group, or the Chaotix, the doors to the theater burst open, revealing an extremely fat Theodore Roosevelt lookalike wearing a beret. He extended his arms in welcome, shouting, "Welcome, actors… to the auditions for…" he extended his arms toward the sky, as he had many a time when overzealously describing a machine, "Hamlet, the Prince of Denmark!"

It gave several people an odd sense of déjà vu…

The doctor continued, "Now, as I'm sure you all know, there's a basic guideline to how you must audition…

"First, you'll need a monologue. For any of you who somehow don't know what a monologue is, it's essentially an uninterrupted speech by a character in a play, or other form of media. For example, my blathering on here could be considered a monologue.

"Second, you'll usually need to perform a cold reading with another auditioner. I'm not into those, though, so you won't have to." The doctor took a breath, "And third… once you've done your cold reading, just leave. Don't stick around; don't ask me if you got in, I don't know yet. I won't know until once everyone has gone… with that, let auditions begin! Wainwright the Trout, get your scaly behind in here!"

Sonic looked to his friends, nervous, "… a monologue? I don't even know any of Shakespeare's plays, guys. Help me out here."

Xero shrugged, "Just do the 'To be or not to be' speech. It's what I'm doing."

Sonic blinked, "Um…"

Sasha sighed, saying the following in one breath "'To be or not to be, that is the question: whether 'tis nobler of the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against the sea of troubles, and by opposing, end them. To die, to sleep- no more, and by a sleep to say we end the heartache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to- 'tis a consummation devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep…" she suddenly stopped, "You don't even have to finish it, it's such a long speech, Eggman'll probably stop you before you do."

From nearby, Jet squawked to Storm and Wave, "You hear that? Sonic doesn't even have a monologue ready!"

Hearing this, Sonic confronted the hawk, "Oh, because you're such an actor, aren't you?"

The hawk's brow furrowed, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Please, you sound like Gilbert Gottfried on helium!"

The force of this insult actually physically knocked Jet back, into the arms of his companions, "Oh, it's on, Sonic the Hedgehog!"

Sonic smirked arrogantly, giving one of his trademark thumbs up, "Bring it, Jet the Hawk!"

"Oh, it's been brought, cuz it's on!"

"Till the break of dawn!"

"He who smelt it, dealt it!"

Wave looked to Storm, "Is it just me, or is their trash talking getting progressively more pathetic?"

Eventually, the two groups ended up having to literally pull their leaders from each other… but enough of them, let's get these auditions started…

~XIX~

Scene II:

"Brilliantly done, Mr. Trout. Now, run along before you suffocate…" the doctor wrote 'never put him in anything ever' on his notepad, "Next!"

A white hedgehog entered, and Robotnik looked him over, "And you are?"

"Silver the hedgehog, I'll be doing the 'to be or not to be' speech."

"Really… wow. That's rather original…"

And so the doctor listened as Silver performed the speech. He had to admit, the hedgehog was decent. At least he was better than that fish, who'd just gasped the whole thing out in a rather sad and pathetic manner… he wrote something onto his notepad, "Well done, Silver, please get out for the next guy… Next!"

Silver made his way for the exit, nervous that he'd botched that

The wolf entered, and locked the door after doing so. He approached the doctor, and bowed. Eggman sweat dropped, "… the ego-stroke is appreciated, but who are you?"

The lupine adjusted his glasses, saying with mock innocence, "Arc the wolf, milord."

Again, the doctor looked at Arc as if he'd suggested they dance naked, "Flattery will get you nowhere, I'm afraid…"

"… Ivo, it's me, Lupus."

Robotnik was so surprised at this revelation that he had a massive spasm that almost caused him to fall out of his chair, "Lupus!?! I hardly recognized you, old boy!"

The wolf's eyes narrowed in annoyance, "I'm just wearing a suit, sir."

"With a tie! Remember how much trouble you had with ties back in 'Reclaiming Now?'" the doctor struck a dramatic pose, "But alas, my little wolf pup is growing up, spreading his wings, making a stand, taking a chance, giving his all-"

Lupus nodded with mock enthusiasm, "Perhaps someday I might even audition for this play, doctor."

"Indeed, you might-"

Finally, Lupus just gave his performance, giving the perfect blend of malice and cunning needed for a good Claudius, "Thought yet of Hamlet our dear brother's death The memory be green, and that it us befittedto bear our hearts in grief and our whole kingdom To be contracted in one brow of woe, Yet so far hath discretion fought with nature That we with wisest sorrow think on him,Together with remembrance of ourselves. Therefore our sometime sister, now our queen, The imperial jointress of this war-like state, Have we, as 'twere with a defeated joy, with one auspicious and one dropping eye, With mirth in funeral and with dirge in marriage, In equal scale weighing delight and dole, Taken to wife."

He adjusted his glasses, "So, doctor. How was I?"

"Could've put more pompousness into it."

Lupus fell over quickly, rising almost as fast as he'd fallen, "I'VEDONENOTHINGBUTSTUDYTHATSPEECHSINCEYOUANNOUNCEDTHISSTUPIDPLAYANDYOUHAVETHEAUDACITYTO-"

Robotnik chuckled, "I jest, dear boy… you've got the part."

Immediately calming, Lupus adjusted his glasses. He asked, with mock innocence in his voice, "But sir, surely you should wait for everyone to go?"

Again, the doctor chortled, "Oh, trust me, Lupus. Something tells me you can get into Claudius's conniving little mind…"

"You flatter me, doctor…" with that, the wolf left… he'd taken enough time as it was…

~XIX~

Scene III

Twas a hot day, out in the waiting courtyard. As Mercutio the Ibex was called for his audition, Shadow and Rouge waited for their turns. Somewhere along the way, the two had bought some refreshments. They'd reminisced over many past adventures together… but eventually came onto the topic of their new partner.

"Honestly, why'd they even send him on this mission anyway?" Rouge asked, taking a sip of her icy, "I mean, you heard him when he was 'confessing his love' for me. The guy's not even convincing when he's being real."

Suddenly, 'Arc' rushed onto the scene, draping himself over Rouge, "But how could I ever be real in the presence of such beauty? Dearest Rouge, you melt my heart, leaving me nothing but an empty shell to be filled with the deepest love for you!" He glanced at the black hedgehog, "Oh, hey Shad."

Shadow growled, clutching his drink rather tightly, 'I will not kill my partner, I will not kill my partner.'

The wolf looked to Shadow, concerned, "What's wrong, Shad? I seem to have annoyed you…"

Rouge rolled her eyes, "Annoyed _him_? And get off of me!" With that, she forcefully removed her partner from her back, sending him flying into the air.

After he'd landed, the wolf raised a finger, "That's it!" his glasses soon fell as well, landing perfectly so they twirled around his finger before her put them back on dramatically, "I know why things have gotten so awkward since my beloved's arrival!"

As Shadow's grip tightened, Rouge's eyes narrowed in annoyance, "Oh, this ought to be good."

Arc began to strike several dramatic poses, flurries of roses flying behind him, "I've been a fool to fall so hard for Rouge like this. How could I? Entrancing as she is, her heart belongs to you and only you…"

Well, it was official. Shadow's grip had tightened so much; his drink's container was destroyed beyond repair. Red liquid splatter over the hedgehog, and if it wasn't so cold, he'd have been convinced he'd murdered the wolf.

Who, by the way, continued, now on his hands and knees, "And indeed, how could I believe such a radiant creature of the night could ever fall for one such as I, when they already have the amore of the mysterious enigma that you encompass, Shadow?"

Rouge nodded, "Indeed, how could you?"

Quickly, Lupus rose to his feet, pointing almost accusingly at Shadow, "Nonetheless, I cannot abandon my pursuit of dearest Rouge's affections. Would that I could deny my feelings, my friend, I'd turn a blind eye in a heartbeat. But my love for Rouge runs so deep, I doubt even the fires of Hell itself could stop me from caring for her. And so, my friend, though I wish it were not so, we must be rivals in love!" On that final note, waves came from out of nowhere behind the wolf, a pair of dolphins leaping into the crisp, noon sunset.

Shadow knew he should have practiced more at the shooting range: he'd been such a poor shot during the Black Arms attack that he'd lost his privilege to own the gun that would end Lupus's tirade. 'Alright God. We've never gotten along, I know… but if you could do something, anything to get me away from this lunatic, I'll travel the lands and preach thy gospel…'

A familiar, blue hedgehoggy voice: "Hey, Shad! Long time no see!"

'… You've got a sick sense of humor, you know that?' Shadow ran up to Sonic, putting his hands on the other hedgehog's shoulders, "Sonic, buddy, pal, have you talked to God lately? Turns out, it works!"

Sonic was perplexed, raising an eyebrow, "What?"

"I know, hey, wanna get as far away from that wolf as possible?"

The hedgehog grinned, "Hey, I'd love to hang out, Shad!"

"Not quite what I said, but sure!"

Sonic smiled sheepishly, "But I've gotta go audition, y'see. Hey, maybe once I'm out, y'know?"

As Sonic sped toward the building, Shadow looked to the sky, "You think that's funny. Don't you?"

Lupus loomed behind the hedgehog, "What's funny, Shad?"

"A bullet in your skull."

"What?"

"Nothing."

~XIX~

Scene IV

Sonic approached the doors to the theater, putting a tentative hand on the handle. He pulled back, somewhat nervous. 'C'mon, Sonic, you can do this…'

"Nervous, Sonic?" the hedgehog saw a purple porcupine leaning against a nearby wall, his arms crossed, "Don't be. For all the stuff Tails told you… there's nothing to acting, y'folla?"

Sonic sighed, "Xero… I just… I just think that if I go through this door… it might change my life forever… not necessarily in a good way."

Xero smirked, looking towards their friends. Though the noise was too great to hear them, Sasha and Knuckles seemed to be in a heated argument, while Tails attempted to calm the two. "You know… I've felt like that exactly twice in my life… the second was when Sasha and I came to the past. We remember how that turned out."

"You tried to kill me and almost died because of it."

A giant sweat drop rolled down the mauve male's head, "… I prefer to think of it as 'after some struggle, we befriended you and your friends,' y'folla? Anyway, that's not the point… the first time…" Xero looked toward their companions again, "Was just before I first met Sasha…"

Sonic was touched by this at first… then grinned, "And you wonder why I say you two are in love?"

Xero went red, "Again, not the point. Stop distracting me, y'folla? My point is… don't worry about that feeling. Maybe you'll go through that door, botch up your audition, and not get a part. But in the end, you'll always end up on top, 'cuz you've got your friends… y'folla?"

Sonic smirked, "A bit cheesy for this early on in the fanfic… but motivating," he gave a two finger salute, "Thanks, Xero." With that, he sped into the theater.

The first thing he noticed was how dark it was. The blue hedgehog scarcely came across such dark areas, even in the assorted dungeons he always seemed to be happening upon… then, the voice, "So, Sonic. You've come."

Dr. Eggman stood upon the stage, his arms folded behind his back. He was illuminated so that the light reflected off of his glasses, creating an ominous effect. He walked off the stage and into a seat in the front row, "Go."

Sonic sped onstage… "Yo. I'm Sonic the Hedgehog, and I'll be doing the 'To be or not to be speech…'"and with that, he gave his all.

"To be or not to be, that is the question; whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing, end them. To die, to sleep; no more; and by a sleep to say we end the heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to — 'tis a consummation devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep; to sleep, perchance to dream. Ay, there's the rub, for in that sleep of death what dreams may come, when we have shuffled off this mortal coil, must give us pause. There's the respect that makes calamity of so long life, for who would bear the whips and scorns of time, th' oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely, the pangs of despised love, the law's delay, the insolence of office, and the spurns that patient merit of th' unworthy takes, when he himself might his quietus make with a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear, to grunt and sweat under a weary life, but that the dread of something after death, the undiscovered country from whose bourn no traveler returns, puzzles the will, and makes us rather bear those ills we have than fly to others that we know not of?  
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all, and thus the native hue of resolution is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought, and enterprises of great pitch and moment with this regard their currents turn awry, and lose the name of action."

On that note, Sonic took a bow. The doctor rose… and applauded, "Marvelous, Sonic."

The hedgehog rubbed the space under his nose, "Heh, I do what I can."

"It's a shame you'll never leave this theater alive!" With that, the doctor produced a pistol, which he pointed at the hedgehog, "Good luck on the other side, Sonic the Hedgehog!" With that, Eggman pulled the trigger.

Or would have if Sonic hadn't rushed him and taken the gun before he could fire it. He was now twirling the weapon around in his hand, "Now, c'mon Egghead, didn't we talk about playing nice?"

"Why you little-"

"And why a pistol? C'mon, doc, I'm the fastest thing alive, give me some credit." Having said that, Sonic sped from the room, before Eggman could produce something that would indeed 'give him some credit.'

The doctor stared into space… and sank into a seat in despair, "I hate that hedgehog…" he sighed, "Next! Edmund the Goat!!!"

~XIX~

Scene V:

Elsewhere, anticipation was considerably more dramatic. The green hawk tried to bite his nails, nervously… then realized he didn't have nails, being a bird and all. He snapped his fingers, (which he also shouldn't actually have…) and said, "Storm, get me a mammal whose nails I can bite!"

The albatross saluted, "On it, boss!" with that, he sped off to find such a person…

Wave looked to Jet, "Hey, boss, why so nervous? The whole way up here you were on about what an 'extreme' actor you are, you're a shoe in!"

Jet went slightly red, and sighed, "Um… how do I word this… I kinda… um…"

Somehow, this allowed Wave to put two and two together. Jet had never allowed her or Storm to watch him practicing… "Jet… you get stage fright, don't you?"

The mere mention of the word sent a shiver up the green hawk's spine, "Of course not! Where would you ever get that idea, Wave? I mean that's just silly, let's laugh about it, ahahaha!" Jet continued on in this manner, before finally hanging his head, "Yeah."

Wave smiled, "Well… I don't really know about how to cure that… but..." she grinned slyly.

This caught his attention, "But? … But what?"

The swallow shrugged, turning away nonchalantly, "Nothing. Stupid idea anyway…"

Jet moved closer to her, curious, "No, really, what?"

"Hm…" Wave pretended to think, "Tell you what: if you get in, I'll tell you my idea. Keep that in the back of your mind…"

"Next up, Jet the Hawk!!!"

Jet practically sprinted toward the theater.

Storm returned, brandishing one 'Tamaki the Tanuki' by the arm, "Hey boss, got those fingernails you…" he watched Jet running off, "What's with him?"

Wave smirked, "Oh, he's just a tad gullible, is all…" she saw the albatross holding the poor raccoon dog, "… put the kid down, Storm…"

For a few moments, the two birds just stood there, until Wave said, "God it's hot; let's go get some icies…"

From a nearby trash can, Vector poked his head out, "Hm… this idea of Wave's might help the case…"

Charmy pushed his head out from a similar trash can, also nearby, "Yeah! I betcha she and Robotnik are secret lovers, and that Robotnik is therefore Amy's father!!!"

The crocodile glanced at the bee quizzically, "… what kind of fanfiction have you been reading?"

Before Charmy could answer, Espio arrived on the scene, carrying three drinks, "Hey, guys, I got the icies…" he noticed his companions in the trash cans, "… do I want to know?"

Grinning, the bee exclaimed, "We were spying on the Babylon Rogues!"

"…" Espio sighed, "Somehow, when you asked me to get these so you could prepare, I thought you were talking about you monologues…"

There was a brief, awkward pause, and Espio nonchalantly added, "Y'know, I hear that some people get so nervous before auditions, they vomit in nearby garbage cans."

~XIX~

Scene VI:

He wasn't sure how much more of it he could take… the man simply did not know when to stop speaking…

"Anyway, Shad, I was thinking, since we're competing over Rouge and all, we might as well include the play as a part of our competition!"

Scratch that, he knew. But what the ultimate life form had come to understand was that Arc knew when to stop… he just wouldn't.

"So logically, the one of us who gets the bigger role would be the winner of that part, right? Well, just to warn you, I make a brilliant Horatio. The doctor even said so!"

Why couldn't Rouge come back from her audition?

"However, based on my knowledge of you, I wouldn't be surprised if you became Claudius himself! You must admit, you make a decent villain."

Why couldn't Shadow be called for _his_ audition?

"But then, I heard that Jet the Hawk was magnificent in his performance. He may just bury the two of us. Perhaps we should set up back up struggles? I'd suggest we see who can make the better icy!"

Why couldn't Shadow murder Arc without legal ramifications?

Such questions filled Shadow's thoughts, until he was eventually distracted from the rambling wolf. A pink hedgehog stood relatively alone… who was that? Shadow could've sworn he remembered her…

Then it hit him, and he whispered, "Amy Rose…"

Arc raised an eyebrow, "But Shad-sempai, how could she be Hamlet? She's… y'know, female…"

Shadow returned the gesture, "'sempai?'"

"It's a Japanese honorific. It usually means 'mentor…' I'm testing it out, seeing how it sounds," the wolf gave it some thought, "Maybe 'Shadow-sempai' would be better… or I could just stick with Shad… Anyway, what makes you think Amy'll get the part of Hamlet?"

Shadow shook his head, "No, that's not what I meant. I'm just having a cliché moment of recognizing someone from my past."

You'd think this would alleviate the wolf's curiosity, but this was not so, "But didn't Writer already establish that in his fandom, you already know the Sonic Team?"

The ultimate life form shrugged, "He's not exactly a good writer, Arc. I mean… he named you 'Arc.'"

So?

"So, there's kinda already something called ARK in the Sonic-verse."

… Well (bleep) you too, Shadow. Stick to the script, wouldja?

"Fine…" Shadow, having forgotten his lines for this scene, produced this chapter's script, saying in a bad-acting-voice, "I think I'll go talk to her. You stay here, Arc."

Arc smiled, "But Shadow! I'd love to meet your friends!"

The fourth wall being gradually rebuilt, Shadow was back in character. He sighed, annoyed, "I know. I couldn't do that to her."

"Couldn't do what-" but the black hedgehog was gone. Now on his own, Lupus dropped the metaphorical mask of 'Arc' again, "Oh, come on, 'Shad,' surely you'd rather deal with Arc than the real me?"

~XIX~

Scene VII:

Amy looked through the crowd for a recognizable face, preferably that of a certain blue hedgehog, "Oh, come on. My Sonic must be here somewhere…"

"Amy?"

"Sonic!" Amy leapt onto the hedgehog who'd said her name, "Oh, Sonic, your voice has gotten so quiet and whispery, like…" she looked up, saw that Shadow was, in fact, not Sonic, and jumped back, "Shadow!"

Slightly red, Shadow said, "While I appreciate that greeting, a simple 'hello' will do in the future."

The pink hedgehog smiled, "I'll keep that in mind… so, what brings you here?"

"GUN business. Highly confidential…"

Amy smirked, "They've got you auditioning for Egghead's play to keep an eye on him, then?"

Nonchalantly, Shadow nodded, "Yeah. What about you?"

"I heard you, Rouge, and that wolf talking about the play, and I didn't really have anything better to do…" she looked worriedly at Shadow, "By the way, how much do we trust that wolf?"

"Not at all. Go beat him to death with your hammer."

Amy laughed a little. Shadow opened his mouth to say, 'I wasn't joking,' but the pink hedgehog cut him off, "He seems kinda creepy, the way he fawned over Rouge like that…"

Shadow nodded in agreement, and Amy continued, "A classic case of obsession, if you ask me. Wolf-boy's such a stalker, isn't he?"

A large sweat drop rolled down Shadow's head, and he was tempted to say, 'Because your obsession with Sonic is _so _healthy.' However, that wouldn't have been deemed socially acceptable, so he went with, "Yeah…"

The two continued to talk, moving on to less Arc-related topics, until finally, Amy was called to audition…

Shadow smiled some, "You know, for an obsessive Sonic fan girl, she's not that bad…" that smile soon disappeared, as he felt a familiar presence nearby.

"Hey, Shad, I got us those icies!"

The ultimate life form sighed, muttering, "At least I'll probably be going soon…"

He did not. It was, in fact, nightfall by the time Shadow was finally going to audition. The black hedgehog was the only remaining auditioner… aside from Arc, who'd promised Rouge he'd 'Make sure Shad doesn't do anything he'll regret.'

Apparently, Arc didn't think Shadow would regret killing him. He was right. Not that Shadow _had_ killed the wolf, but he'd come close on several occasions…

But now, it was finally coming to an end. Shadow walked calmly into the theater…

~XIX~

Scene VIII:

Said theater wasn't as dark as when Sonic had entered, though Shadow couldn't have known that. He continued walking calmly onto the stage, and after murmuring, "Alright, let's get this over with…" the hedgehog spoke up, "I'm Shadow the Hedgehog, and I'll be doing the 'What a Piece of Work' speech from Act II, scene II..." he took a deep breath, and began…

He began with almost a sense of depression in his voice… "I have of late… though wherefore I know not… lost all my mirth, forgone all custom of exercises;"

Here, Shadow seemed to grow increasingly annoyed, "And indeed it goes so heavily with my disposition that this goodly frame, the earth, seems to me a sterile promontory," by now, the hedgehog was shouting his irritation, gesturing at the world around him for emphasis, "This most excellent canopy, the air, look you, this brave overhanging firmament, this majestical roof fretted with golden fire, why, it appears no other thing to me than a foul and pestilent congregation of vapors."

Shadow slumped to the ground, and with a defeated quality to his voice, he said, "What a piece of work is a man… how noble in reason, how infinite in faculties, in form and moving how express and admirable, in action how like an angel, in apprehension how like a god…" he rose, a newfound bitterness in his voice, "The beauty of the world, the paragon of animals! And yet, to me, what is this quintessence of dust?

"Man delights not me…" Shadow looked directly at Eggman, and smirked, "No, nor woman neither, though by your smiling you seem to say so." After a brief pause, Shadow murmured, "Scene."

With that he walked off the stage, and headed for the door. Eggman spoke, "Shadow, I asked Rouge this earlier. If GUN wanted to send someone to spy on my production, why not send a less obvious agent?"

Shadow said, rather mysteriously, "Maybe they did. What's your point?"

Robotnik sighed, "… after that performance, even if I know you're a spy, I can't very well not give you a part, old sport."

"I'm so flattered…" Shadow left without another word. He was soon accompanied by Arc, "So, how'd you think you do?"

Shadow shrugged, "Alright…"

**~XIX~**

**Writer: And now to bore you with some facts: I've grossly exaggerated the amount of people who usually audition for this sort of thing. In my high school production of 'Hamlet,' there weren't enough people to completely fill the cast…**

**What Robotnik said early on in the chapter about monologues is completely true. However, you will also probably be asked some personal information after an audition (i.e. 'what's your phone number?') in case the director wants to contact you.**

**Nextly, while Sonic obviously is going to get a part in the play (this being a Sonic fanfiction and all)… in real life, if you're going to audition for a play, knowing the play isn't just important: It's a necessity. And if you come up with a monologue the day of auditions, don't audition. You will ****not**** get in; you ****will**** make a fool of yourself as you struggle with your lines. **

**You may have noticed that I only actually showed three of the auditions: this is partly because it would take way too long to write them all out, and partly because I'm trying to portray auditions accurately: Unless you're the first three people to audition, you'll spend a lot more time waiting than acting. This is a good time to try to go over your monologue, something that, in hindsight, I should have had someone do. If you're auditioning with friends, they'll be a huge help in alleviating boredom… though, as Arc/Lupus was kind enough to show us, boredom is a much better alternative than having to deal with someone you despise and will not shut up.**

**And finally… in regards to Shadow's audition: It's based loosely on my own. He did the same monologue, but stuttered and forgot his lines considerably less. In my production, I was cast as 'guard #2' and 'the 'murdering' actor,' the latter of whom me and my friends affectionately call 'the shark.' Shadow will be much more fortunate…**

**Shadow: … Writer, stop being a drama snob.**

**Writer: what- **

**Sonic: He's right, you know. You need to learn when to give it a rest, sharky-boy.**

**Writer: … fine. Next chapter: Eggman announces roles, and other such brilliant business!!!**

**Xero: Oh, and also, at almost 6000 words and about 23 pages on 1.5 spacing, this chapter is about half as long as Writer's first fanfic 'Reclaiming Now.'**

**Writer: O.O**

**Shadow: You've gotta love how he sees that as an acheivement...**


End file.
